As early as I can remember I was always interested in dark things. I loved haunted houses, castles, witches, magic, skulls, horror movies, scary books, scary posters, dark dreary days, pumpkins, spells, Gothic anything, dragons, wizards, Unsolved Mysteries, Are You Afraid of the Dark, & Tales From The Crypt (remember those shows?), paranormal, graveyards, Halloween, stuff like that.
I loved reading books like Tales For the Midnight Hour, More Tales for the Midnight Hour, Still More Tales For the Midnight Hour by J.B. Stamper,
Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark; More Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark; Scary Stories 3: More Tales To Chill Your Bones by Alvin Schwartz and anything by R.L. Stine of course.
Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark; More Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark; Scary Stories 3: More Tales To Chill Your Bones by Alvin Schwartz and anything by R.L. Stine of course.
(I also used to love reading The Babysitter's Club and Sweet Valley High as well).
I loved watching horror movies. My mom would take me to the video store 1-2 times per week and I couldn't wait to get home to watch the latest slasher flick I picked up. Not all of them were good I might add (Leprechaun in Space or Jason X anybody, those were awful!!!) My mom didn't like horror movies. Still doesn't to this day. She doesn't like to be scared. She is more of a comedy / drama type of gal.
My favorite time of year was Halloween (with Christmas being next). I shined during Halloween. Mom let me decorate the house. I'd go out trick or treating with my friends, then come home and watch horror movies while noshing on candy. There was a certain thrill on this day. Can't explain it. Probably because I looked forward to that day all year and the fact that it had finally arrived made me ecstatic. :)
I had this lemon sized skull I used to carry around with that I bought from Spencer gifts. I named him Brain. Yes, Brain, not Brian. :) He was my good luck charm. I wonder what ever happened to him. Probably tossed 'em.
I used to sit in classes in elementary school & draw graveyard scenes, skulls, hearts w/ daggers, tombstones, etc. I used to take tracing paper and trace haunted houses, etc out of books and hand them on my wall since I couldn't draw worth a lick (still can't by the way).
I used to dream of owning my own house one day and having black carpets, with either black or burgundy colored walls and lit by candles, oil lamps, and lanterns. I wanted a wooden coffin in my house. Twisted, eh?
When I was 18 and in the Army, I purchased these beautiful pewter dragons on top of a crystal ball, bought a voodoo doll (whom I named Homer) which I found at Waldenbooks of all places, a Ouija board, some black candles (I think they were black), and a few 'odd' books. There may have been more but it's hard to remember 12 years back.
I remember the higher ups coming in my room during inspection time giving me that questionable look. Don't know what they were thinking, but I still earned a certificate and coin nonetheless. I was a good soldier and did my job well. I didn't let my beliefs have any effect on my job capabilities.
I use to take Homer to work with me a few times at the chapel (remember, I was a chaplain assistant). My fellow chaplain assistants knew I was weird, but this just topped it, lol. They still loved me though. :)
One day all the chaplain assistant's were invited over to this chaplain's house for a BBQ. I respected this chaplain very much. He is a very caring and gentle man and we've had many a private conversation during my time in the Army. During the day the subject was turned to God and all that. I don't recall all that was said but eventually I or the other assistants blurted out about Homer and whatever else was in my room. This said chaplain in his very gentle voice gave me a good talking too and made me promise to get some dark colored trash bags and toss all that 'junk'.
I'm not one to break a promise, so a few days later, as much as I regretted it, I packed up my 'evil' things and tossed them in the trash before PT started that morning. And thus began my 12 year saga of pretty much doing whatever the man of God tells me to do, right?
Even as a new Christian a year or two later, I remember driving to prayer meeting at the Pentecostal church with my Michael Myers / Halloween collection in the car. I wanted to show my Pastor this collection. I think he was also curious about my Michael Myers doll.
So I showed him. And he told me to get rid of it all (I had a massive collection).
I wanted to please God, so I stuffed everything in bags and carted it off to Goodwill.
I still celebrated Halloween that 1st year I got saved. I got saved in August I believe, so all the kinks of worldliness hadn't been removed in a 2 month time frame. I don't remember what I dressed up as or anything, it's been too long.
That was the last time I thought about that holiday or my past love for darker things for many years...until now.
I love things like this. It's beautiful art in my opinion.
Ah, the stories this castle has to tell....
Looks like it came straight out of a horror movie.
Loved drawing graveyards similar to these when I was younger.
Love it!
Yes, I do believe in unicorns, faeries, elves, gnomes, mermaids, and other creatures of the magic world. No, I do not believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny.
I wish I could draw this... I wonder if hubby could do it for me...
Goddess of the waters....
My mom pretty much let me do what I wanted (I was a pretty easy kid...give me books to read and I was content). One thing she wouldn't let me get was a Ouija board (hence the reason I got one once the was in the Army. But it was okay, when I stayed over at my best friend's house, we used hers. We also used to play 'Bloody Mary' in the bathroom. I remember one time, while we were playing 'Bloody Mary', it might have been our imaginations, but I remember seeing in the mirror a sliver of light and a rocking chair in it. I also think my friend might have seen something because those lights went on real quick. As I said, it was probably our imaginations, but who knows.
Halloween will be here next month. For the 1st time in 11 years, I am going to celebrate. I told Robert we should go visit some haunted houses a few days before the 31st. I don't think I've ever really been to a haunted house. I remember going to 1 at KMart and one at the library when I was younger, but they were so lame, they took a small room and decorated it.
For Halloween I probably won't dress up, but I might, who knows. I might decorate the house, who knows. But I would love to hand out candy to the kidlets this year. I may walk the streets myself to see what's lurking in the shadows. Every year we always have our lights turned off and we go to the back room. Boring!
I look forward to visiting some of the Halloween shops opening up soon. I've never been in one before. Besides, I might be able to find some Harry Potter memorabilia like socks or something.
All of this has been swirling in my head since yesterday and I felt it had to be said.
I am at peace as I journey on in my quest. I just wish I didn't lose so many friends along with it. Friendships should run much deeper than a system of beliefs.
Goodnight!
Love,
~ Dawn
18 comments:
You don't believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny?? How can you live with yourself?? ;-)
In all seriousness though, be careful with ouiji. I've had some horrid experiences with ouiji to the point that I won't even let one in my house. And when the kids get older and demand an ouiji board and their crazy Christian mom says no they'll think I'm being all narrow-minded and religious but I'm going to tell them, "you play around with the darkness all you want when you live in your own house and I don't have to cope with the consequences."
I had two lovely roomates that threw off their Catholic faith and returned to their love of the dark. And I was like, "ok whatever. But promise me you won't do anything dark here at the cabin." I was so angry when they sat there rolling their eyes at each other like, "Silly religious nut." Sure enough they went full force into dark things at the cabin and the end result was so bad that first they actually begged *me* to try and get the bad things out - and then abandoned me and moved away to other places and left all of the demonic crap for me to live with and deal with. You don't walk way from something like that unscathed. And I've lived many more of those experiences, even seeing some of my own family members driven by demonic influence - that crap goes waaaaay beyond mental illness, even if mental illness is there as well. What is seen cannot be unseen and I really do pity people that scoff and say, "That doesn't exist." Yet if they haven't experienced it then I am glad for them in a way!
I see the art you shared here and rather then think "dark" I think "Gothic." That's a specific style. There's nothing wrong with enjoying Things Gothic. Even I listen to (clean) Goth Rock here in our Catholic home. (Clean as in it's not all sex obsessed lol musical porn)
I'm not going to say anything further because I don't know how far you want to take this dark thing. I don't want you to feel accused of things you aren't doing.
But I am praying for you, Dawn. It's easy to think that you are throwing off a system of man-made rules, imposed on you by "Men of God" - and those of your readers that have rejected God will be very quick to back you up and make you feel like you will be so totally free. But we never escape systems and rules: no matter where we go, no matter how "free" and original we think that we are, we are always marching along to a system imposed on us by men or women of something. Going about with a lemon sized skull, owning a voodoo doll, all these things, they are nothing new and not at all original. Millions of young women did the same and still do the same. Including me. As a teenager I belonged to a witches coven and loved the dark things as well. I'm not some ignorant religious person that can't justify my warnings or my understanding of things: I've been on both sides and I've been both blessed and deeply burned. Please, be careful. These "Men of God" that asked you to trash your dark things, they were not operating off of some detatched legalistic religious nonsense: they've seen exactly what I've seen. Dawn, you wrote in a previous post something like, "why don't we see miracles today?" We do. I've personally experienced plenty, including recently at Lourdes. But there is a flip side to this coin, a dark side: the opposite of miracles, but just as supernatural. It's not wrong at all to have an appreciation of Gothic art and such, but be careful Dawn. You don't want to experience the flip side of the coin.
I'm going to write another related but slightly different topic comment.
I'm praying for you, Dawn. I'm sorry that you've experienced the effect of "Men of God" attempting to place you in a completely unnatural situation.
The Protestant "reformation" threw Mary out of the window and after that all dignty and nobility of womanhood was lost. Women became despised and legally inferior. You look at the creepy Victorian Era and see the height of this post-Reformation mindset towards women.
The Feminist movements, all 3 waves of them, arose out of this crap as a reaction to this ungodly and unnatural approach to womankind. I've never disagreed with the necessary demand for women to be legally emancipated and returned to their godly dignity and nobility in society. But sadly Feminism went much too far in the opposite direction. The Feminist movement is the natural result of an unnatural situation. You can't suffocate women the way that our culture was crushing them and not expect some kind of backlash.
But even though women have been made legally equal in Western society far too many Protestant churches have maintained the Reformation ideal of women - and they preach accordingly. As you moved through various fundamentalist churches you experienced this first hand and you even tried, like me, to conform. But, also like me, you have a firey spunky spirit and you reacted strongly against the unnatural teachings and got the heck out of there.
Continued:
Sadly there is so much revisionism going on now with history that people can paint a very dark and unhappy picture of **all** of Christian history. And so many people suck it up without examining the evidence and making certain that they have received the real story. And all while pointing at religious people like me and claiming we are mindlessly obeying an oppressive system of men...
But I have done the homework and the research and I am Catholic as a result. Because if the Catholic Church was all about crushing women into nothingness I would be long gone!
There certainly are individual Church theologians through the ages, including not so long ago, that have taught a rather freaky understanding of a woman's place. But what no one bothers to point out is that this mindset came straight from the surrounding Pagan cultures and societies and influenced these Men of God. Yet we Catholics are in no way required to listen to or obey any teaching or opinion that goes against the actual teachings of Christ. Did you know this? Even if the Pope himself makes a statement or teaches something that goes against the teachings of Christ we are not required to obey or even listen. This is 180 degrees different then Fundamentalist churches, where absolute blind obedience = salvation.
Continued:
Another thing that many don't take into account is the reality that it has taken a good 2,000 years for the Christian faith to sink deep deep deep into every aspect of the cultures of hundreds of very different countries. It has taken **time** for the teachings of Christ to replace the mindsets and legal systems of a vast array of pagain cultures, many of which were viciously warlike. That is why you can easily find Christians that were also busy killing each other in raids and wars and... it's enough to make you want to scream. But the faith was still sinking in, and it took a long long time and alot of missionaries to do the work of bringing the Faith to every corner of Christendom. They didn't exactly have TV and Internet! A missionary could preach over here and convert thousands but just 10 miles away hardly anyone would have heard of the Faith. The faith spread fast to major centers of civilization but it **took time** to sink in to all areas and all peoples.
The Christian faith is why we finally have such a free society today, with men and women absolutely equal in the eyes of the law: but this could not happen overnight. Yet our freedom today is directly the result of the Judeo-Christian culture saturating and replacing the previous system. I researched this, I'm not just listening mindlessly to someone else saying, "This is the way it is so believe me." Sadly most people that argue back at me obviously have not done their homework which is very frustrating.
So yes, various legal systems throughout Christendom did retain certain elements of inequality towards certain segments of society. And the Church has never tried to hide this fact - because the Church understands that **it took time** for Christian nations, cultures, and societies to make the change. Equally sadly far too many fundamentalist Protestant churches have not changed and they remain more pagan in their approach to women then Christian. (No, pagans did not hold women up as equal etc, nor were they all "mother goddess" and Feminist like you'll hear today. I was a science and history major in college: the truth is available if you look. Understanding history helps you to understand Christianity.)
You have been deeply wounded by an oftentimes ungodly approach to Christianity and women and I'm sorry for that. But I pray that you don't lump the Catholic Church or the Christian faith into that same category as the harmful "Men of God" that tried to erase Dawn and turn you into an invisible non-entity that was supposed to live more like a sub-human slave then a vibrant and intelligent woman. You can be just as alive in Christ as you can be alive in the secular world - only more so, really. But it's hard. There is so much pressure to conform to the popular culture: called so because it's exactly like the popular crowd at school... who wouldn't want to belong??
Sorry, Dawn. You can't discuss these things in pithy one-liners and quick sound bites. This is why in the recent past "debate societies" existed so people could get in-depth and discuss these issues at length.
sis Dawn, you know the history of Halloween, nothing really good about it...I would caution you to not go back, keep going forward...God brought you out of all that for a reason, I do believe there are evil spirits, demons, its right there in the bible...remember Legion...for they are many, please sister Don't mess with all of that....you are an inspiration, a beautiful soul, an awesome woman to know, so kind, and helpful, I know you have been hurt by people..but please don't mess with all that...I love you and care for you.
Don t give up your faith in God or go in search of things he wouldn't like. He is all that matters in this life and the one to come.
- I still go to Mass / Divine Liturgy with my beloved.
- I still pray.
- I'm not lashing out on Christianity, a certain denominational sect or people.
- I haven't been hurt by people. Christian, non Christian, we're all sinful creatures who screw up every day. I've just been a 'yes man' for way too long, another mindless robot in Christianity who put her brain on the shelf and followed the leader.
Thankfully I've put my brain back in and wow, what do you know, I can think & make my own decisions for myself once again.
- I don't see the pressure to conform to pop culture at all. I do see the pressure in all religions though. It's really sad.
- I have done enough studying to see that the Catholic / Orthodox faiths were there in the beginning. They began Christianity. Of course, once you lay the Protestant Reformation aside, it's pretty self explanatory. :)
- You are a good friend Michelle. I am glad I have you in my life. One day, I hope we will meet. :)
All of the holidays in our society are from paganism. I don't understand why Christians are so much more fearful of Halloween and not Easter or Christmas.
The pagans just want their holidays back from the Christians. They have no idea why Christians keep these days in the first place, it doesn't belong to them.
Just because I may take a different route in life doesn't make me any less of a helpful, kind, inspiring soul.
I love you too Tracy. And I am thankful you haven't left our friendship. <3
I also want to clear up a common misconception in Christianity.
Christianity believes people who follow wicca / witchcraft / paganism, worship satan.
The truth is, they don't even believe in satan. They are a nature based faith who believe in doing no harm to any one or any thing.
satan is a Christian doctrine. It's used to keep people in fear. "Worship and serve God, go to Heaven, don't worship and serve God, you will burn with satan in the lake of fire and brimstone for all eternity".
Our thoughts, words, actions, and deeds are more real & powerful than some super natural entity roaming around the world trying to clutch them out of the christian god's hand.
Sis Dawn....I read your blog and all the comments, and all that I wanted to say was said, until I read your last reply...."satan is a Christian doctrine. It's used to keep people in fear. "Worship and serve God, go to Heaven, don't worship and serve God, you will burn with satan in the lake of fire and brimstone for all eternity".
Our thoughts, words, actions, and deeds are more real & powerful than some super natural entity roaming around the world trying to clutch them out of the christian god's hand."
You can't really believe that Satan is not real, that demons are not real.....you do believe in the Bible, so how can you toss the truth of the enemy so easily? Why would Jesus die for us if there were no hell, no satan, no darkness? Why would He bother? I know, you never said there was no hell, but if you read the Bible you will see that hell is a place "prepared for the devil and the fallen angels"....it is most definitely real, demons are most definitely real, and all the darkness you take so much pride in throwing out as "coming out" is making him really happy. He has you taking your focus off God and putting it in darkness. Let me tell you, I have been on the other side, black Masses, demons, occult, the list goes on. I never did the horror movies because I was too afraid to watch them (I didn't want nightmares), but then instead of watching the stuff on movies, I pretty much lived it. My ex was into occult and black masses and death and the movies Faces of Death, and many other things I won't mention here. I was on the receiving end of what those things did to him. I know they are real. Been there.
You say you pray, believe in Christ, but think satan is a "christian doctrine to keep people in fear"....no, he is real, a fallen angel, capable of making the wisest and holiest of Christians doubt his reality. Be careful what you do and say, because as I said before in another message to you, you may find yourself in a spot you can't get out of so easily this time. God rescued you the first time, don't throw it back in His face. ♥
Romans 1:25 >>
They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator--who is forever praised. Amen.
You get very cross at those exhorting you toward the Lord. You excuse all with the word "journey".
And now...Satan's existence is in doubt.
If you, who expresses yourself so freely, decry the right to post any and all thoughts coming across your mind, why do you post against the right of those expressing freely the warnings from God's word.
Your sidebar reflects dark and light. But one cannot serve both.
Not getting cross with anyone. I have let every single person say their piece. I haven't blocked anyone or any comments.
I haven't mocked anyone nor their posts.
You seem to be reading my comments wrong.
"If you, who expresses yourself so freely, decry the right to post any and all thoughts coming across your mind, why do you post against the right of those expressing freely the warnings from God's word."
That's funny..I see no decrying here. Just finally letting myself free from everybody's else expectations of what they think I should be. I also am not posting against else.
Why can others post all kinds of religious talk, but I can't freely express myself? That's hypocritical to just let others post their thoughts & opinions but I can't comment back on my own blog? Right, that makes perfect sense.
Not sure what you mean about my side bar being 'dark'. Uh, it's black in color because that's part of the blog background.
Color is color, it holds no religious or significant meaning.
Dawn,
I will not lie, it breaks my heart to see you on this " journey." Breaking free from following men is one thing, but you cannot include God in that category. The Bible is very clear that the devil is real. He roams the earth seeking whom he may devour. Yes, demons are real... God makes that clear, but they are here to destroy us. Why would you enjoy things that God deems as wicked? Rebellion IS AS THE SIN of witchcraft. Jesus is the light and those who walk with him cannot live in darkness. I say this in love Dawn, you really need to humble yourself before our almighty God and seek the truth. You seem to be confused and if your still searching then it's not right. Blaming others for our straying will not be an excuse. Bible is truth.... Period! These "gothic" things are evil, GOD says so, not man. I love you and will be praying for you.
Just as you feel this is true, my following comment is true for myself:
Friendships should run much deeper than a system of beliefs. My God is the deepest, most loving relationship I have. He is not a system. He trumps people. He is a Friend. And He is absolute. And that, dear blog author, is not a system. It is a fact.
"I will not lie, it breaks my heart to see you on this " journey."
* That what our lives are, a journey. We ought to be making the best of this beautiful journey every day we have the breath of life in us. :)
"Breaking free from following men is one thing, but you cannot include God in that category."
* The best part of free will is using it to really find out if the Christian God is real & that the Bible isn't just a bunch of myths and fairy tales. Yes, I have enough guts to actually question everything I was ever taught. There is nothing wrong with questioning. I wish more people did it.
No body can prove the Christian God is real or not real.
The Bible seems to be full of '1 time deals never to be seen again', i.e. a talking donkey, 3 men thrown in to the furnace yet don't get burned or even smell like smoke, Jesus walking on water, Jesus healing the ear of the soldier, Jesus turning water in to wine, Jesus feeding the thousands from a few fishes 'n loaves, Lazarus coming back to life after being dead, Jesus dying and 3 days later he's alive again...sounds a bit magical doesn't it?
In 2,000+ years, nobody else has ever done any of these things.
"The Bible is very clear that the devil is real. He roams the earth seeking whom he may devour. Yes, demons are real... "
* You should do a word study on the words in the Bible satan, the devil, deceiver, liar, accuser, etc.. It's very enlightening. It's only in Christianity & in varying degrees in Islam that believe in such an entity. Even in Judaism they do not believe in some 'evil, wicked entity' trying to grasp you out of the clutches of God. I don't live in fear of a super natural being. I think Christians give this satan character so much power, they seem to almost make him a 2nd god of sorts.
"God makes that clear, but they are here to destroy us."
* We destroy ourselves.
"Why would you enjoy things that God deems as wicked?"
* It's not like I woke up one day last week & decided 'oh, I think I will go get a voodoo doll today. I shared this blog post to show people the real me, before Christianity. The me, who still likes these things, which are only evil to the eye of the beholder.
"Rebellion IS AS THE SIN of witchcraft. Jesus is the light and those who walk with him cannot live in darkness."
*Guess I am a rebellious heathen who walks in darkness then.
"I say this in love Dawn, you really need to humble yourself before our almighty God and seek the truth."
* Oh yes, I am humbling myself & seeking truth. The Truth is, there is a faith that goes further back than Christianity. A faith where Christians eventually burned, hung,& tortured those people because they didn't bow down to the christian God & worship Him.
Where do you think Christianity came from?
Christianity came from a mixed bag of Judaism, Greek philosophy & paganism (not the black magic, occult, sacrificing babies crap that people only know from TV & Hollywood movies).
That's all what life is about, seeking truth. Just because the truth I seek out is different then yours doesn't make me wrong. It doesn't make you right.
"You seem to be confused and if your still searching then it's not right."
* Not confused at all actually, just opening my eyes & thinking / reading for myself for once.
"Blaming others for our straying will not be an excuse. Bible is truth.... Period! "
* That's funny, I don't see anywhere where I blame some one for my 'straying'. I take full responsibility for myself and don't go around blaming satan & demons for my actions.
"These "gothic" things are evil, GOD says so, not man."
* Uh, last time I checked, gothic style houses, clothing, & artwork are not "evil" & banned by God.
"I love you & will be praying for you."
*I love you too. Will be praying for you & your family as well.
I am here for you no matter what.
I have struggled with the same stuff if you ever want to talk and I have lost people because of it also.
I actually thought I would lose you at some point, but you stuck by.
I hope you enjoy you first Halloween in years. I am going to dress Aiden up as a Blue Brother lol should be adorable.
Just stay away from the Ouija board it is very hard to control and only brings in dark things. I know we did this as kids with "A" but it's bad, really bad. I don't really want to talk any more about it on here message me if you want to talk. Love you!
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